It's that weird time of year when it kind of just feels like one big nap time - like, you're vaguely tired all the time, you definitely do not want to go in to work today, and you're still randomly hungover from that one drink you had six days ago? Kidding on the last one. But it feels like it, doesn't it? I am ALL about motivation Monday's, but sometimes you gotta just accept that you're not on your A-game. This past week, I felt like every part of my life kinda sorta maybe was falling apart, and I was just watching it.
I started off my week failing a midterm (which by the way dropped my A in the class all the way to a D, yikes), and as the days went on it seemed to be one thing after another. You know that feeling where it's like you can't catch a breath before the next bad thing happens? Yeah. Like that.
So, I'm going about my business with my motto "good or bad, it's all good" (which is applicable to most things - disclaimer that obviously, some things contain no good), and I just felt a little lost. I found myself questioning why I was doing the things I was doing, which can be useful from an evaluative standpoint, but it felt more frustrating than that. Why am I making the decisions I am? Is it because I want to, or I feel pressured to? I decided that I was going to test myself on this, and really study the things I was doing and why. Maybe this way, I could locate the source of the "bleh" feeling. So, I did, and I have come to conclude that I all too frequently base my decision making on the feelings of those surrounding me. When things come up, I feel the need to seek validation before I decide how I feel about it, instead of just going with my gut.
What a terrible, terrible strategy!
No wonder I feel so lost.
I am lost.
When I was pondering what I was going to write about this week, I couldn't stop thinking "getting thyself together." Does that make sense, or even more so, who currently says "thyself" in conversation?
Either way, it was like the idea was tugging on my sleeve, like a little kid who wants you to pay attention.
So I listened.
I listened, and I realized that the reason I have been so drawn to the theme of resetting and goal-setting is because I feel stuck. Stuck in a rut, like we talked about a few weeks ago. But, even more than being in a rut, I am stuck in myself! I am not even behaving out of Olivia's brain, I am Olivia's brain seeking the ideas of other brains and then deciding how I feel.
What a strange, strange concept.
What to do....I have many people giving opinions in all areas of my life, and I seek to make them all proud - but to what cost? I cannot lose authenticity due to my approval-seeking tendencies. I have come to conclude that I am the sole reason that I am lost. It was no one's doing but my own. I placed my value so far beneath the value of others that I lost myself. It is my new goal to determine what I want to do, what I want to sing, and who I want to be. Because the truth is, I'm young. I have so many questions and doubts and insecurities and fears and hopes and dreams and everything in between: and that's okay. It's wonderful, really.
So, I'll be doing that, my own little Spring cleaning of the mind and soul, and that is the newfound concept I like to call "getting thyself together."